when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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