I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Damn victory sex feels great
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
