I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize