on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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