It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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