I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
