I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
