4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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