My first STD was from a foam party
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
