so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
