I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
