Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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