Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
