My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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