So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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