i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
