If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
