In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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