We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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