Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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