So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
