Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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