I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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