I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
