We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
