The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
