why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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