this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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