i jhust puked up my retainher.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I will pee on everything he values.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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