I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
tell me about the eggs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
