I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
