my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I touched a dick in church today
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
