Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
