Please, let me fuck your mom
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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