I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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