My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need a beard to bite.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
