Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
