how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
