When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
