i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
