I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
