brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I haven't been this sober since birth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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