new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
