smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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