Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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