I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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