The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
