i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
