Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
