Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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