Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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