You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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