I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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