Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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