I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
