Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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