I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
