I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
