When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize