Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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