I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
