my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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