I'm so fucking centered right now
I cannot find my penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
