My brain says no but my pants say off.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
