but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
